Why no one told me that my body would become a battlefield, a sacrifice, a test? Why did I not know that birth is the pinnacle where women discover the courage to become a mother? Anita Diamant, THE RED TENT
When I was very young, the first thing I ever remember wanting to be when I grew up, is a firefighter. Of course, back in those days, I called them firemans, and I wanted to be one with such intensity that it made my face flush and my skin sticky with anticipation.
For so many reasons, I was never able to bring that dream to fruition, but I can vividly recall the ardent desire that I felt for that career, the unwavering knowing that filled my young body with its rightness.
My body is no longer young and my desire to be a “firemans” has long since waned. But the feeling, the seat of my soul certainty that I felt about being a “firemans”, that, is back. This time, it is accompanied by knowledge and understanding.
So, when I got a call on Monday offering me exactly the job that I want, the job that resonates with rightness in every fiber of my being, I surprised myself by hesitating before I answered.
The reason I hesitated is that the pay is less than I had hoped. Less than I had hoped, AND less than I need.
In that moment of indecision, the breath between “yes” and “no”, I found the courage to say, “Yes…if”. It made my heart race with panic and the palms of my hands grew sweaty.
“Yes,” I said with conviction, faking a strength I didn’t feel, “I will take that job IF you can offer me enough to support my children.”
My words shot into the phone and I watched them travel down a long, dark, twisty path toward the ear of the woman who held the power of “yes” and “no”.
She, too, hesitated.
She, too, said, “Yes…if”.
‘Yes,” she said with understanding, “we want you for this job and I will see if we can offer you more. I am not in charge of the budget, but I know there is often some flexibility.”
She should have some sort of an answer by the end of this week, the beginning of next week at the latest.
And so I wait.
I wait with strength and courage and tranquility, and I know that she will find that flexibility.
*Photo by Asif Akbar
3 comments:
Yes...IF!
You write so tactilely. I so look forward to your posts.
Here's hoping they find the right amount of flex in the budget. You are way more than worth it.
You can take about 5 A's for this. The writing, the courage, the conviction, the self-advocacy, and the self-confidence! WOOOHOOO!
Oh good LUCK!! And good for you. Good, good for you. I bet it work out, and it is all because you had the courage to ask for what you needed. We all could learn from that. ;)
:)
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