Luh-uv That Cat!

It’s 11:49 at night. It is waaay past my bedtime but I can’t sleep because of the incessant meowing at my window. I try to ignore it. I am almost successful, but our cat uses her well-honed sixth sense and, realizing I’m about to nod off, she ups the ante. Out come the claws. She draws them painfully s-l-o-w-l-y
D
O
W
N
the windowpane.
Once.
My ears start to itch.
Twice.
My jaw tightens with that uncomfortable, tasting-something-too-sour feeling.
Thrice.
Sharp needles explode from my ears and jaw and rain down on my body.
I open the window.
Cat – 1. Me – 0.

It is raining outside and the cat wastes no time. She is inside in a blink and pounces on my bed. On my bed with a white comforter. On my bed with a white comforter with her rain stained body and roof debris dirty paws.
Cat -2. Me – still 0.
It’s 12:07. I’m tired. It’s only dirt. I can wash the comforter in the morning.
I crawl back into bed.
Wet rag of a cat crawls in with me, except she does not snuggle down and go to sleep. NOOO! I discover that this cat is the top student of a certain Ms. Link and that this cat is FULLY CAFEINATED! So fully cafeinated that she is oozing spastic energy from every pore! Apparently, she’s done ALL the extra credit that her favorite teacher ever even thought of assigning!

“Hey, scratch me under my chin. No, I mean between my ears. Actually, how ‘bout if you make me a nice cave of covers. Nope, too hot. Can I just rub up under your chin. Don’t you think my butt smells fabulous?! Didn’t get a good whiff? Here let me stick my tail up your nose to make sure you’re all cleared out up there. You know, I’m kinda wet, so maybe it would be good to get under the covers after all, ‘cuz it’s nice and dry in there and I can get rid of some of this wet. Darn, I think I got something stuck in my claws. Oh, oh, ahhhh! Got it. Did I ever tell you your arm makes a great scratching post?! By the way, have you seen my mouse anywhere? I know I left her around here somewhere. Hey, why aren’t you scratching my ears anymore? You gotta put your hand up here. Oh, look, you’ve got something on your face there. Here, let me get it. The rough on my tongue works really well for getting off dried on stuff. Hmm, it’s not coming off, must be a freckle. Quit hogging the pillows. I want that one. Not that one, that one. Oh, guess you were right, the first one was better. I know, let’s get out the laptop and do a little writing. You like writing, don’t you? Let’s do a little writing. Don’t forget to keep scratching, though. I need you to keep scratching. Why are you doing my ears? It’s the chin, the chin needs scratching! Write about me. You’re not going fast enough. Here, let me help. Does my butt still smell sweet? Hey look at that -- if I press here, I can hide the last few sentences you wrote someplace in a previous paragraph. Neat trick,huh? Bet you can't find them! You know, you’re not much fun. I’m gonna go check out what the kids are doing. Don’t forget to post that.”

Cat – 3. Me – -100.