I am struggling with words.
Specifically, words to define the men in my life for people who don’t know them.
Patrick is “my children’s father”. I try not to use the term “ex-husband”.
“Ex” feels dismissive. Cut off. Separate.
While I realize that I divorced him exactly so I could feel that way, I also realize that my children did not divorce him and do not want to feel that way.
My children love their father and he loves them. Labeling him “my children’s father” takes my relationship with Patrick out of the picture and puts the spotlight where it should be, on my children’s relationship with their father. That is the relationship that matters now, the relationship that needs to be nurtured.
However, it feels awkward when I describe him that way to a new acquaintance precisely because of the fact that it doesn’t address my relationship with him. I find that I often want to tack on some kind of qualifier that explains that we used to be married but are married no longer. I know that urge says more about my discomfort at being “left out” of the picture than it does about anyone else’s need to know “the rest of the story”, and that pettiness bothers me.
Then there is “the man that I am dating”.
What do I call him?
“Boyfriend” is too high school. Besides, I like to think I am dating a “man” not a “boy”.
My mother asked if we were “going steady”. Going steady?! That sounds both high school and hopelessly out of touch with the 21st century.
“Well,” I replied, tersely addressing her underlying question, “neither of us is dating other people.”
People at work use the term “partner”. That strikes me as being at once too cold and too intimate.
I grew up in an era when “partner” was a reference used for a business relationship. My relationship with this man is definitely more personal than that.
On the flip side, “partner”, to me, implies a relationship akin to marriage and I am certainly not ready to take that step.
I could just go with “friend”, and sometimes, I do. But then I get the “Oh, is he your “special” friend?” remarks.
And so I’m stuck with calling him, “the man that I’m dating”, which seems like too many words and not enough feeling.
And I know that it’s all just semantics. That it really doesn’t matter. Except…words matter.
4 comments:
Even though I love English and how expressive it can be, there are times and situations where no words seem adequate. Ex- has always seemed to me to trivialize what must have existed between two people before things turned sour or they grew away from each other.... Laughed that you want a man-friend, not a boy-friend [like Debra Lafave!] And "partner" conjures up a law firm!
I completely agree. The OC is a hothead and will say things in a fury that he doesn't really mean.But once something is said it's tough to erase it. Words matter, as you say. If they didn't we'd still be swinging in the trees....
Yes. Words do manner. (BTW, I just re-read your Words Matter post, and I think we call Hillary, Hillary, to differentiate her from Bill, and our associations with him when we hear Clinton.) Anywho... Yea, I hear you, words really do shape our thoughts. Let me know what you come up with. For once I'm out of advice!
Love, love.
I can think of a lot of things you could call Patrick. But then....
You could always call Patrick "my first husband."
And as for your man-friend, you could just call him by his name and not indicate the relationship. For example, "This is my George," or whatever name fits in that blank. After all, the relationship is evolving as all relationships do. You don't have to label it at all if you don't want to.
I am afraid I must disagree with the esteemed Carrie Wilson Link on this one. I think we call Hillary by her first name because that is what happens to women in politics or power. It is pretty clear that she is not Bill and that she is the one who is in the spotlight at this point in time. In fact, if you listen to the patter in the public discussion, when "they" want to disparage a male politician, they use his first name. It is a way of peeling away respect and power.
One woman's opinion here.
I also wrote a blog called "words matter" on my business blog--because they do!
Just an idea: How about "man-friend" for the guy you are dating. You will, however, always have to put the quotes around it with your fingers.
and I love "my first husband"!
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